Staying Together, Apart

by Katherine Bagarinao

“Constant togetherness is fine— but only for Siamese twins.”

Victoria Billings The Womansbook, “A Love to Believe In” (1974).

Long distance relationships don’t, can’t, and won’t work. Love needs to be nurtured in closeness. Even fundamental physical laws tell us that the force of attraction between two bodies decreases as the square of the distance between them. It’s the same thing with people.” Thus said my friend, with that sadness in his eyes that tells all too well of a love lost to the distance parameter. And he didn’t even have to invoke physics in order for me to understand what he meant. I’ve heard of many couples who have found themselves separated from one another by circumstances, and their relationships were soon crushed to pieces. What is it about distance that drives the hearts cold? Is it the lack of closeness?

Nevertheless, this is not a fail-proof rule at all. I know accounts of other couples who not only survived being separated from one another, but also found themselves eventually deciding to spend a lifetime together. What distinguishes these couples from the others? What did they have that the others didn’t? Are there any simple rules for staying together inspite of the distance?

Clearly, there is more to just a simple physical equation which governs human relationships and distance. While distance does inhibit physical proximity and thus may affect the way two people feel about each other, it does not necessarily have to be defined as the actual physical displacement from one another. For it is true that couples can stay together in the same house and yet feel so “distant” from one another. Years of togetherness may find two individuals “drifting apart” from one another, not physically, but somehow losing that emotional connection that binds one to the other. Hence the eventual breakup. Distance per se, therefore, is not the key factor that determines whether attraction will be sustained over a long period of time. At best it is necessary to redefine the concept of distance as not just being limited to physical distance, but also to the growth and sustenance of feelings with respect to time. Hence, while couples may find themselves being physically separated from one another, they could learn to compensate for it by bridging the gap through communication and other means of reaching out to one another. The good news is that long-distance relationships do not necessarily have to be crushed because attraction is dependent on the distance. The relationship can survive and grow over time, given the sustained effort of both parties involved to work as a team. The best option is to work towards the transformation of the relationship into something flexible and adaptive, something that can evolve and cope with circumstances such as being separated from one another.

With the advent of state-of-the-art technology, the world is virtually getting smaller as people find many different means and ways of reaching out to one another. Distance, which separates people, is becoming a thing of the past as we “connect” to other people located from us miles away. Indeed, the couples of this decade are actually more fortunate than those of the previous times. One never has to wait for weeks for the mailman to deliver that precious letter to his/her loved one. Or spend those countless days of agony waiting for a reply. Today, it is just a matter of clicking away to send electronic mail messages to any part of the world connected to the cyberworld. Or chatting and teleconferencing in real time over the Internet. Mobile phones have increased our accessibility, and there is almost no reason why we can not be reached at any point in time. Communication has never been so easy, staying in touch at the tip of our hands. Why, cyberrelationships have actually been built on just plain chat talks, and these couples have never even gotten to see each other in person. That is how strong the connection can be, if we allow it. Somehow human relationships have evolved into something more flexible and at tune with the changing times.

Perhaps it can be argued that nothing could be compared to physical togetherness, and all these electronic media cannot quench that longing in your heart to be physically with the one you love. Yes, loneliness is such a hideous hollow thing in your heart, such that not even all the telephone calls in the world nor all the emails in your mailbox could ever hope to fill. But focusing on the emotion will not change anything, given that the separation is going to be around for a considerable time. Sometimes the root of our frustration is in thinking that the telephone conversation, or the chatting over the net, would be able to solve the distance problem. These are all short-term emotional balms, not meant to substitute for the physical presence of the person we would like to be with. The most we could do is to make these moments of contact meaningful and strive to keep the feelings alive by sharing with one another. Instead of ruminating on the situation, we should utilize the time to grow individually, something that we cannot do when we are overly dependent on someone else. Take the time to develop other skills, stay productive, learn how to cope with the situation. Easier said than done, but at the end the rewards will be very fulfilling.

Ultimately, it all depends upon a couple’s mutual effort as a team to work out the relationship inspite of the distance. Rather than considering it as an obstacle, they can look at it as a means towards achieving other goals, or a test from which they will emerge successful. Antoine St. Exupery wisely quipped, “Love does not consist of gazing at each other but in looking together in the same direction.” Having a common goal that both could work for is a vital key to staying committed.

It is a good thing that unlike heavenly bodies which follow the gravitational law, we humans can make the conscious decision to stay “attracted” to a person and remain with him/her for the rest of our lives. Wouldn’t the world be in certain chaos if we just randomly feel this force of “attraction” to the next mass of flesh dangerously gravitating nearby? And by the way, whoever said that the heart could ever be ruled by anything, much less physical laws?

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